Fear and Bloating on the Vineyard

Part 8

by Jason Gay

No one likes to broach this issue except the tabloids and the right-wingers, but what if Bubba gets himself in a heap of, um, personal trouble on the island? What will he do? I ask Bob Carroll. Carroll is a lifelong islander and former selectman who loves Democrats, money, pretty women, dirty jokes, and four-letter words, and doesn't think there's a damn thing wrong with Clinton dropping down on his rock.

But I've always been intrigued by Carroll because he's a long-time friend of Ted Kennedy's and has a special footnote in Camelot history. When Teddy's car plunged off an island bridge in Chappaquiddick, resulting in the death of a woman named Mary Jo Kopechne, Carroll came to his side. The devoted island friend shielded Kennedy from the press in the incident's aftermath, and even flew him off the Vineyard in his private plane before the shit really started raining down.

I want to know how devoted a Democrat Bob Carroll is today. I ask him if he'd do the same thing for President Clinton.

He laughs: "Under the same conditions, I would, yes. But I don't have a plane anymore."

Another person I visit for inside dirt is Jaime Hamlin, a Vineyard caterer who did a lot of work for the Clinton party during the '93 and '94 vacations and coauthored a jokey recipe book, In the Kitchen with Bill, last year. Last night, she catered a party for David Letterman and his unnamed girlfriend -- "she was really nice, average-looking, normal . . . it made me like him more" -- and today, Hamlin's busy in her kitchen preparing for a weekend of swishy parties. Clinton isn't even on her agenda yet, but she lets me in on a couple of interesting factoids:

Clinton is allergic to a bazillion things. This makes him a bit difficult to cook for, though Hamlin doesn't seem to mind. He's not supposed to have cheese, and other dairy products are kept to a minimum. He's also allergic to flowers, so no bouquets on his supper table.

There is a Secret Service kitchen team. Whenever Hamlin or anyone else prepares a presidential meal, there is a phalanx of Secret Service and White House officers assigned to observe the preparation process. This makes the kitchen somewhat congested.

There is a freaky selection ritual. You don't prepare one plate specifically for the president. You prepare several plates with the same items, and at the last minute, staffers pick the dish that will be delivered to Clinton. Likewise, if Clinton wants a Diet Coke, you pour three, and he (or a staffer) picks one. This is apparently to prevent you from poisoning something and handing it directly to the Commander in Chief.

I want to ask what happens if you poison all three Diet Cokes, but I don't. This is likely a sign that I'm punch-drunk from presidential-advance overdrive. I'm ready for Bubba to show up.

Part 9

Jason Gay can be reached at jgay[a]phx.com.