* Richard Carpenter

PIANIST, ARRANGER, COMPOSER, CONDUCTOR

(A&M)

The Carpenters, with their Brady Bunch haircuts, doe-eyed expressions, and blindingly white incisors, always weirded me out. Aside from a handful of insidiously gooey melodies and Karen Carpenter's honeyed voice, the best I can say for them is that they provided instant nostalgia. The kitschy If I Were a Carpenter tribute CD infused their legacy with an ironic charm and humor they never had.

But none of those qualities is anywhere to be found on Richard's overblown vanity project. Pianist. . . , a redundant morass of rehashed Carpenters hits buried under gobs of strings and wind instruments, is a transparent attempt to exaggerate the Carpenters' importance and elevate Richard to "serious artist" status. He may have been the studio brains behind the outfit, but it's his late sister's combination of restraint and warmth that's badly missed. Even the retrograde cheesiness that made the Carpenters' pabulum a sugary pleasure has been replaced by a saccharine substitute. Sappy symphonic flourishes get draped over mothballed relics like "We've Only Just Begun," and a 12-minute medley of Carpenters' hits dilutes songs like "Rainy Days and Mondays" and "Superstar" to their logical, inevitable form: elevator music.

-- Jonathan Perry