Baby Geniuses

According to Tibetan myth, babies know all the universe's secrets. Unfortunately, they can't communicate this wisdom to adults. But what if we learned to decipher baby talk? So goes the premise of Baby Geniuses, a film that plays like a cereal ad (the aren't-precocious-kids-cute kind). Kathleen Turner is Dr. Elena Kinder, an evil scientist who heads up an operation that kidnaps babies for research. Her plan goes awry when one particularly gifted two-year-old escapes from her lab and is switched with his twin, who lives in the nurturing (and excruciatingly normal) home of Kinder's niece and nephew. Madcap adventures ensue. Turner, pouring on a double dose of her trademark haughty breathlessness, slinks through the movie like a lizard looking for shade.

The target audience of Baby Geniuses is a mystery: the film is too inane for adults, too advanced for kids. And though the latter may enjoy the occasional nose picking and crotch kicking, they'll be clueless when the babies start talking about disposable income and Pavlov's dog. It all amounts to pabulum.

-- Sarah Curtis