Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a single guy, age 27, and I must say that I've been rather unsuccessful when it comes to approaching girls for dates. Right off the bat I start feeling defeated, and I feel that this is a result of not having any good opening lines. Here's one that has never worked for me: "You're so beautiful that I'd drink a gallon of your bath water." Another one I've tried is, "Hey, you must be really tired, because you've been running around in my dreams all night."

Is it that these are really lame lines, or do you think that it might be something else? I feel pretty confident about myself except for making that initial contact. Any advice on what to do?

-- Eddie

Dear Eddie,

Making initial contact with someone whom you find attractive and would like to get to know is, indeed, a stressful and trying exercise. This is probably because the whole notion of approaching someone you don't know is rife with self-consciousness, and the one thing that almost always rings false to gals is self-conscious behavior. Women, who tend to be far more finely tuned to human relationships, can generally sniff it out from a mile away.

The most important thing in approaching someone you don't know is to try and be natural. "Surefire" pick-up lines, particularly those centered around ingesting bath water, are surefire losers 99 times out of 100. And the one person who this might appeal to is probably someone you don't want to know anyway.

Think about it for a minute. Would you be intrigued by or attracted to someone who came on like that? The way to approach people is by letting your natural curiosity and interests lead you, not some hackneyed pick-up line you've latched onto over the Internet.

Notice what the woman is wearing and maybe say something like, "I really love that studded dog collar you're wearing. Do you have any pets?" Or maybe something like, "Gee, your voice is really familiar. Didn't I hear you calling Dr. Laura on the radio the other day, complaining about the dearth of men who bother to place the toilet seat down? I want you to know that I've Superglued my seat to the basin, and will also never rifle through your medicine cabinet to see if you're on anti-psychotics."

All right, Dr. Lovemonkey is just joshing around here, but it is important to say something that is related to who you are and how you think, rather than some prefabricated comedy line. If you are someone with a playful sense of humor, then a humorous little line makes perfect sense. Whatever you do, don't be intimidating or too overtly aggressive. All you're looking for here is a conversation starter to see if the person who has caught your eye is interested in talking to you. Once that's accomplished, the far greater and more valuable skill is to be a good listener. Drop the lines and just let your natural curiosity flow.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There is a woman at work who I am quite interested in. We arrive at work rather early in the morning, and about once a week now for the past several months, I have brought in a box of doughnuts for her and a few of our co-workers. Although she has thanked me, this has not really broken the ice. Is there something else that I should be doing?

-- Anxious To Connect

Dear Anxious,

I'm not sure where you have been getting your ideas from, but take it from the Doctor -- courting by doughnut has never been a particularly successful ploy. I am speaking here of the male to female dating dance here. In the other direction (female to male), doughnut procurement can be a frequent winner, and has even been known to elicit a marriage proposal or two. But you must understand that the relationship between women and doughnuts is very different from that between men and doughnuts.

Why not ask her out for coffee or tea after work? Considering the fact that she has probably already made a connection between you and doughnuts, it is probably best that this prospective date be conducted in a doughnut-free environment. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with the doughnut, but romance has many flavors and, for most women, Bavarian crème is not one of them. If it's bakery products that you feel most connected to, let me suggest the croissant. Just the fact that it is French gives it more sensual credibility. I must caution you, however, that all things French are not necessarily romantic. Serious consideration of Jerry Lewis and infrequent bathing spring to mind.

You could just throw caution to the wind and forsake baked goods for an actual balanced meal in a real restaurant. Granted, this would be a bold move on your part. But in a number of informal polls conducted by Dr. Lovemonkey during my long careers in eating and romancing, I have found the entire extendo-meal has charms that have yet to be matched by a handful of Munchkins.

My advice is to go for the gold. Ask her out for an actual dinner that does not come in a box. You will be doing much better if she starts to associate you with lobster bisque, say, rather than jelly crullers.

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