Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A couple of times in the past year I have met men at nightclubs and been swept off of my feet. I have gone home with them and, although I know that there is not exactly any promise or commitment involved in such things, I have been unpleasantly surprised when they didn't get back in touch with me. Am I right to think that this is rude behavior and that, maybe, there is something wrong with these men? Is there something that I should be doing to let them know that I'd like to see them again?

-- Confused in Charlestown

Dear Confused,

We are talking here about what is known as the one-night stand. These instant connections, followed by instant gratification, are not exactly subject to some sort of decorum since this is not courtship -- where there are presumed to be rules of decorum -- but rather eruptions of naked lust. As such, they are risky endeavors, and the notion that the guy you picked up (or picked you up) might have some sense of obligation of any kind is not likely.

Basically, he's probably seeing this in terms of what is known as "getting lucky." Most likely his sense of obligation begins and ends with the feeling that he has given you a good roll in the hay. This, of course, is a manner of speaking. Actual rolling in the hay is not one of the more comfortable sexual acts, as any farmer can tell you. This is why God invented beds.

This is an apples and oranges situation. The one-night stand (the apple in this case) is typified by the fact that it takes place, usually, in one night. It is also characterized by the fact that those involved are usually strangers to one another. For many, most of the thrill is in the fact that this is largely anonymous. The orange would be the sexual encounter preceded by a bit more rigorous exercise of getting to know one another. By doing that, the participants have a better understanding of each other's sensibilities, personalities and manners. The less anonymity and the broader the experiences and knowledge of one another, the greater the likelihood for a sense of obligation.

Succumbing to uncontrollable urges has little to do with getting to know one another. Little responsibility can be expected from what amounts to a largely irresponsible act.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was seriously checking out this girl the other day at a restaurant where we were both having lunch. I eat there frequently and have seen her there before. I know that she noticed me noticing her and, in hindsight, I think that she was interested. What happened was that she was eating a sandwich and, as she was leaving, she walked closely by me and seemed to accidentally drop the bag with the sandwich in it very close to where I was sitting. I hesitated, and before I could pick it up and make contact with her, she picked it up herself.

The problem is that I'm not certain if this was done purposely or if the bag actually slipped out of her hand. Should I have quickly snatched up the sandwich? Do you think that this is a missed opportunity?

-- Bill

Dear Bill,

If you keep going to this restaurant and see her again and the sandwich bag once again slips from her hand in your general proximity, I would dive for it. This would indicate that you correctly assessed this young woman's intentions. Having not witnessed the bag drop, I can't really tell you if this was a case of butterfingers or a coy (though somewhat bizarre) come-on. The dropped handkerchief has a long and storied history as a flirtation technique but I must say that the dropping of a sandwich bag, bagel to-go, cruller or other food stuff is a new one on me.

Since you were watching so closely, did you notice whether or not the woman's hands were unusually moist? This could indicate a certain amount of anxiety on her part that might relate to an interest in you. Sweaty palms might also indicate something else. For instance, was she dining with someone else and, if so, did you observe her engaged in wrist-wrestling with her dining mate as a sort of jocular sendoff? This activity will frequently result in moist hands.

It might also be of some value to consider where you were sitting in relationship to your prey. Were you situated in a direct line from her seat to the door? If so, she would have to pass by you anyway and her bag drop could be written off as general clumsiness. However, if she had to traipse halfway across the room to an area not in a direct line with the door in order to drop her sandwich bag in your path, you may be on to something here.

Dr. Lovemonkey says if you are interested in meeting this woman, go back to the restaurant and await another opportunity. You could, of course, make the first move by tossing your entire plate of food across the room at her feet, and see what transpires. This is a bold move, but I don't think it would be beyond the realm of your imagination, which, judging from this letter, has been honed to an extraordinary extent.

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