Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am not the type of individual who writes to advice columns. However, yours is sage and responsible, and my problem is considerable, so here goes:

I have been deeply involved with an incredible man for nearly five months now. He is loving and funny, sexy, sensual, articulate, athletic, and beautiful. His company is very precious to me. Together, we have made incredible love and seen glorious sunsets. We've catalogued some rapture, for sure.

We have had a tumultuous time of it, though. I learned recently he had said less than wonderful things about me on-line, and said them to a total stranger -- a woman whose favor he hoped to curry. We went through a very emotional and confusing break-up. He was upset that I had learned of his on-line dalliance and accused me of invading his privacy, etc. I assure you, I did not. This info came to me through a circuitous route, but I was the sad recipient, not the curious hunter.

At any rate, after being apart a few weeks, we reconciled. Very emotional, as I said. He was saying things never before spoken, such as, "I need you," and "I can't live without you." He showed me genuine feeling and spent quite a bit of solitary time sorting through his issues. I believe in him and in the man that I know lives in him -- that he does indeed want love, and wants to return it. He just seems to have a terrible time with priority. One manner in which this is evidenced is his habit of remaining in contact with former lovers. I am less than thrilled with this behavior, but they were there before me, and it seems SO important to him. He has also made it a non-negotiable issue, so in order to be with him, I am obliged to accept it.

Last week, we attended a swell "do" in Newport. Many of my old friends were there, and it was a congenial and elegant atmosphere. Needless to parlez, we ran SMACK into his ex-girlfriend, who immediately went straight into the hyper-bitchy mode. I was gracious, warm, and classy, I felt. I extended myself to her, gave her my very best 100-watt dazzle-smile, stated how I'd heard so many lovely things about her, and she snapped back like a viper. He excused her behavior with me, saying, that it was not like her, and "something must be wrong." I asked if he wanted to go speak to her, while I went to the ladies' room. He took my offer.

I returned after several minutes to spot the two of them, from across the room: he, obviously offering some sort of defense; while she was angry, hard and lashing out. I broke it up by introducing a celeb pal of mine to her and my boyfriend. The ex whirled away in an indignant huff. My man defended her staunchly, and kept saying she was there ALONE, after all, (I'm saying . . . and?????) and she has obviously not moved on (I'm still saying . . . AND ???) etc.

The remainder of our evening was overshadowed, to say the least. He says I was attacking him for caring about her, and that I should have more compassion for her. I felt his priority should be us. He maintains he is "done" with her, and gets very emotional when I make noises about leaving. I just have no clue how to handle this any longer -- we were doing so beautifully, and then we ran into her, only days into our reconciliation. Am I out of line here? I have struggled to be gracious about this, but it steals energy from our reconciling.

Also, this man has been steadfastly disinterested in matrimony. But on the day we reconciled, he spoke of the possibility of our being married next year. Until recently, I was disinterested in re-marrying. His saying that, coupled with statements of needing me and being so unhappy without me caused me to consider what kind of life we might be able to have together. Recently, I stated I thought we should get engaged. He said he didn't want to, and when I reminded him of his statements that day, he said he was "only kidding," and that he could never get married (he never has been). I am a bit confused and I don't know what to believe of what he says. I never know if what he says to me today will become null and void in 48 hours, and I will be the fool who hung my hat on disappearing ink.

I know he doesn't sound so wonderful after I've described some of our recent dilemma to you . . . but he is loving to a fault and kind and even naive at times. He truly is a very good man, and I adore him . . . he's just a bit out of balance on the priority thing, I think. Can you help?

-- Coming In On a Wing and a Prayer

Dear Coming In On a Wing and a Prayer,
My sense is that the problems you are experiencing with your "significant other" run deep. The reordering of priorities that you feel necessary are not so simple. It appears that he is not as committed to you as you are to him. Likewise, the behavior you describe indicates that he does not know the difference between maintaining a proper friendship with an ex-girlfriend and what constitutes intimacy. If things are to work out between you two he must: a) acknowledge that there are boundaries in intimate relationships and, b) know what those boundaries are. I suspect that he will resist this. I also think that, despite his positive attributes, he can't be trusted. It doesn't look good to me.

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