Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I recently discovered my husband in the midst of a sexual act with my cat, Whiskers, after I unexpectedly returned home early from my food shopping. Evidently, my husband had crushed some Cheez Doodles into dust and had spread the stuff on his lower manhood. He approached the cat who, being a lover of Cheez Doodles, started to lick the cheesy debris off, to the mutual pleasure of both. At least this is my conjecture. I, of course, witnessed only the brief part of this unseemly behavior. Thank God.

My problem is this. I have forgiven my husband. After all, men are pigs and one must accept that life with a man will inevitably include an act of depravity. My problem is that I cannot, in my heart, forgive my kitty.

I understand that the behavior of an animal cannot be judged by human standards. And while my cat has acted like the victim of the episode -- making doe-eyes and rubbing up against my lower legs to get my attention -- I cannot ignore the fact that when I burst into the room and discovered them both, kitty was distinctly purring and enjoying herself.

I love Whiskers with all my heart -- she's a good cat, for a Tabby. I'd hate to have to lose her. How can I forgive my kitty for her indiscretion? I have tried a pet therapist, to no avail. After the first three visits, Whiskers refused to go and it's near impossible to trap her into going. She's a smart cat.

-- Providence Lady

Providence Lady,
It's difficult, but let me see if I can judge your letter by human standards. I'm glad that you noted that you have a smart cat, indicating that at least one member of your household is smart.

In one respect, I must thank you for your submission. After all, anyone who suspects that I make up these letters can readily surmise that this moronic missive could not have been the product of my fevered brow. Nor would any reader believe that your letter is, as they say, "on the up-and-up."

Indeed, I believe your letter is the failed product of a creative-writing class, simply because you claim your cat is named "Whiskers." I mean, anyone with half a brain knows that no one in the waning days of the millennium would name their cat this.

That said, it seems that Dr. Lovemonkey must lay down the law for sending in fake letters. When making up a situation out of whole cloth, you must try to avoid the unhealthy mixing of cartoon visions and pornography. One or the other is fine, but the marriage of the two truly nauseates Dr. Lovemonkey. Ditto for the blending of fact and fiction. I have no doubt that your home is well-stocked with Cheez Doodles, as a diet high in Cheez Doodles will often lead to just this sort of toxic daydream. And in fact, I understand your attitude so well, because while I could forgive your husband and your cat their indiscretions, I am having great difficulty forgiving you for actually having spent time to write this letter.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
One of my best friends is engaged to be married to a wonderful woman, but a couple of times in the past few months I have detected a strange attitude in the bride-to-be. She has expressed an opinion that worries me.

Although she hasn't explicitly stated it, she has hinted that if the marriage doesn't work out, it would not be such a traumatic thing to split up and divorce. I'm alarmed, because I think that if you're taking marriage vows seriously, you don't entertain such thoughts. Is this any of my business? Should I be concerned about this?

-- Eddie

Dear Eddie,
Damn right you should be concerned. I recall another couple (both lovely people) in which one of the parties had a casual attitude going into their marriage. It lasted about five years, and no one was surprised. Although we'd encouraged the partner who'd taken the marriage vows seriously to reconsider and maybe hold off, they'd gone ahead anyway.

As I have mentioned before, there is a part in most marriage ceremonies where the couple's family and friends are asked to support and strengthen the union. Before disaster strikes, implore your friends to sit down and seriously discuss this issue. Perhaps you will be perceived as sticking your nose into their business, but in this case, I believe it is the right thing to do.

Why would anyone take a vow of " 'til death do us part" if they didn't mean it? Even though divorce is sometimes advised and necessary, Dr. Lovemonkey believes you must be deadly serious about the lifelong union you are committing to.

Family or social pressure, the desire to conform, a ticking biological clock . . . all of these are poor reasons to marry if you're not sold on the notion of a lifelong partnership. Marriage is challenging and difficult, even for those who are strongly committed. If one of the partners is already contemplating loopholes, it's time to slow down.

In this day and age, there is little social stigma attached to living together, so it just doesn't make sense to make a vow that you're not determined to keep.

Dr. Lovemonkey's attitude has always been that marriage should be taken seriously, or it shouldn't be taken at all. There is so little in life that has real and profound meaning that unless both people are on the same page, just don't do it.

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