The silly season
Goodbyes, Tinky Winky, Howard
by Robert David Sullivan
We've reached the halfway point of the dismal 1998-'99 television season, and
the lack of exciting new shows has left people talking about some pretty silly
topics. But there are reasons to be cheerful about some of them.
For instance, a highly placed source within Kenneth Starr's office tells me
that the special prosecutor is amassing evidence of a vast left-wing
conspiracy, centered in Hollywood, to keep President Bill Clinton in office.
Apparently, it is no coincidence that several TV actors playing highly trusted
authority figures -- Andre Braugher on Homicide: Life on the Street,
Jimmy Smits on NYPD Blue, and, most recently, George Clooney on
ER -- quit their roles at the same time the Republicans were trying to
drum up popular support for removing Clinton from office. Their plan was to
disrupt American viewing habits and cause so much anguish that we would demand
stability in the White House.
Actually, the long goodbyes of Smits and Clooney have helped their respective
shows in the ratings, and NYPD Blue, at least, has become considerably
more watchable this season. Law & Order also seems to become more
popular every time it makes a cast change. An ironic result of all this hype is
that the networks may be less willing to give multiyear, multimillion-dollar
contracts to the stars of such ensemble dramas (a genre that has become more
popular this season while situation comedies have gone into a steep decline).
Instead, we may see more big-name actors signing up for a season or two of,
say, The Practice. This trend could keep long-running shows from
becoming stale, and it may even spread to sit-coms. I nominate Frasier
as the series most in need of a shake-up. Will somebody please leave?
After all the about Tinky Winky's gay tendencies, here's more news
about Teletubbies (weekdays at 12:30 p.m. on Channel 2): videos of the
surreal show are now outselling videos of Barney, the simpering dinosaur
whose theme song ("I love you, you love me . . . ") reminds
me of a blind date begging for a pity fuck. I've seen my two-year-old nephew
watch Barney with a honey-glazed look in his eyes, and I've seen him
watch Teletubbies with an intense "What the hell???" expression on his
face. Tinky Winky is not the bad influence here.
The Howard Stern Radio Show (Saturdays at 11:30 p.m. on Channel
4) hasn't come close to beating Saturday Night Live, but it's been
modestly successful in its first six months. (It runs about even with Fox's
MAD TV in larger cities, though it's banned in many other markets.)
Critics are generally divided; some condemn the show as tasteless, but the more
broad-minded counter that it is merely pointless. As the title suggests, the
show is little more than videotaped portions of Stern's radio show, with Stern
and company sitting in front of microphones and trying to get guests to remove
articles of clothing. This attempt at an after-hours party atmosphere isn't
necessarily a bad idea, but I always thought something was missing.
I found the solution at the Museum of Television and Radio in New York, where
I watched a video from the 1950s version of The Tonight Show. The host
was the witty and versatile Steve Allen, who has since written several books
lamenting the decline of literacy and good taste in this country. The
videotaped episode of Tonight, from the fabled Golden Age of Television,
took place on Halloween night, with Allen and his costumed guests wandering
about a cramped studio and making mildly risqué ad-libs. They also
played games like "pass the gourd," in which a guest holding a gourd beneath
his chin tried to pass it to a guest of the opposite sex without using his
hands. If he played the game right, a male guest spent most of the time with
his face shoved into a woman's cleavage. The show itself was fun but utterly
pointless.
So all Howard Stern has to do is dump Robin Quivers and hire Steve Allen as
his sidekick. Stern can keep his raunchy personality; Allen can handle the more
refined innuendoes. Steverino can also get in a few classy piano riffs. His
best-known composition, "This Could Be the Start of Something Big," would be
perfect for so many Howard Stern moments (bra removals come to mind). The
program could be retitled Howard Stern's Marvelous Party, and the Emmys
would flow like cheap vodka.
And on the subject of positive spins, the stupidest thing I heard on TV
last week was on the new TV Guide Channel, that constant scroll of program
listings that has replaced the Prevue channel on most local cable systems.
During a promotion of upcoming basketball games in this shortened NBA season,
the announcer exclaimed, "Thanks to the strike, it won't be long until it's
playoff time!"